Just a little insecurity.
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what happens when the beholder is yourself, and you see nothing beautiful? – Unknown
The Dott signifies the end, but thank you for starting new journeys with me.**
Technically, I’m supposed to be on an “internet break,” but you know how it is when something is on your mind, and you just have to let it out. So here I am.
The first part of my body that I hated was my breasts. I was in JSS2 at the time, and I was the smallest in my class. Every other girl already had breasts, but me? Not even a dot. I was very aware of the situation, but what made matters worse was getting bullied about it. Some senior boys made it a habit of reminding me that I was the “flattest in class.” Every time I heard those words, it felt like they were sticking knives in me, and the pain never really left.
For months, I hurt deeply. The worst part was that even after all those insults and bullying, my breasts still refused to grow for years. I cried a lot, almost as if I was mourning the body I didn’t have. I felt like my body was betraying me. I carried that self-hate for so long, and it was only when my body finally decided it was time that things started to change. It’s funny how we wait for these things to happen, but the damage is already done by the time they do.
Now, my face? I’ve never had issues with that. In fact, I’ve always thought of myself as beautiful, no matter what. Even on my worst days, I knew that with just a little effort, I could transform my look and feel good about myself. My face has always been my comfort zone. But my body? That’s another matter entirely. Till this day, when I look at my body, I still see areas I wish I could change. It’s funny because no matter how much I try to love my body, that nagging voice at the back of my mind always tells me something needs to be fixed.
One thing I’ve been trying to do recently is gain weight. I’ve eaten and eaten, taking advice from people who say, “If you eat consistently, you’ll add weight.” So, I tried that method, but all I ever get is a big stomach for a few minutes, and then poof—everything goes back to normal. It’s frustrating! One of the main reasons I want to gain weight is that sometimes, I feel like I need to in order to look my age. People always say I look “younger,” and while that may be a compliment to some, it often doesn’t feel that way to me. I’ve been in too many situations where people assume I’m less capable or deserving because I look younger, and it’s frustrating.
Every time I tell someone I want to gain weight, the response is always the same: “Oooh, I love your figure! Don’t gain weight o! Gain weight keh? Your body is my ‘God when.’” The amount of times I’ve heard compliments like that—plenty! But still, I find it funny that my mind always believes the criticisms more than the compliments. Why is it so easy to accept the negative things people say about our bodies but so difficult to believe the positive ones? I used to think I was the only one who felt this way, but one thing I’ve learned is that we’re all living the same life, just with different settings.
Recently, I met someone and told her how beautiful I thought she was. She was stunning! But she didn’t believe it because she had a mole on her face that she didn’t like. Someone had teased her about it years ago, and that one comment stayed with her. It’s crazy how one person’s careless words can stick with you for life. I told her that her mole was actually pretty, but she did not believe me because of something someone said a long time ago.
It’s funny how that works, right? We hear one negative thing, and it overshadows every positive thing anyone else says. One thing I’ve had to come to terms with is the fact that I am my own worst critic. Nobody can talk down on me the way I talk down on myself. Well, except for my mother. But seriously, one reason people’s opinions about my body don’t get to me as much anymore is that there’s nothing they can say to me that I haven’t already told myself a thousand times over. I’ve torn myself down in ways no one else ever could.
What has helped me recently is learning to treat myself with the same kindness I offer to others. You’ll always find me complimenting people, telling them how great they look. So why can’t I do the same for myself? It wasn’t easy at first, but I’ve been making a conscious effort to speak positively to myself, to talk to myself the way I would talk to a friend. It’s been helping, slowly but surely.
This blog post isn’t just for me—it’s for you too. We’re all our own worst critics. We tear ourselves down in ways we wouldn’t dare do to others. So why not give ourselves the same grace we extend to other people? We’re always quick to tell others to love their imperfections, but why don’t we take our own advice? It’s time we started loving ourselves, flaws and all.